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a girl named kill

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(3 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

i just droped my lighter on the floor and i'm to lazy to pick it up [15 May 2004|01:21am]
[ mood | lonely ]

so many thoughts but this is not the place to write them in anymore. such a shame. why cant people leave me be? i don't bother other people, i mind my own business, i dont judge them on what they chose to do with their lives. especially if i dont know them well. why cant people do the same to me? i have always thought i was a good person, kind, and understanding. i make mistakes and have made bad decisions, but who hasnt? i have this problem hurting the ones i love. i dont mean to, theres nothing more in te world that i dont want to do, i cant help it though. right now i can barely keep myself going. its time for me to fade away for a bit, get my things together. so, if you dont hear from me, is not because i dont love you or care about you or think about you, i just dont want to hurt you. time for me to do things for myself for a change, good things mind you. i love you all, and to those who disagree with this post, please dont write back with a hurtful response, i dont need it right now, i dont need someone taking low blows at me on the internet. just let this go this one time. please.

you are all in my heart and my prayers.

joe, i love you more than anything in the world. i'm truly lost without you near me. i need you right now more than i've ever needed anyone one my whole life. you are my inspiration and hope. i love you deeply and we will be together soon and everything will be okay. it will be perfect. i promise. im not a complete human being without you. i'm yours now and forever.


(5 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

i drink whiskey instead of water [17 Apr 2004|12:20am]
[ mood | blah ]

i love sleeping.
i love joe.
i love midnight milkyways.
i love my atmosphere cd.

i hate you.
i hate jamie jasta.
i hate runny noses.
i hate that my "fuck u" now looks like "flick":

sweetdreams jerkoffs.

(9 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

... [13 Apr 2004|11:59pm]
[ mood | angry ]

If you're going to say something nasty about me, don't be a pathetic coward. Say it to my face. Person to person, not over anonymous LJ notes. It's been so long since I've been in a fist fight, and I can't wait to get into another. So let me be the one to personally assure you that if the situation does present itself, I will beat you until your face is one big bloody mess left biting the curb. I WILL kick the shit out of you. So face up, or fuck off.

(9 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

hahaha, i passed out cold. [10 Apr 2004|05:52am]
[ mood | sore ]

ug. last night and early this morning i was sick. stomach thing. throwing up non-stop. got way dehydrated. it sucked major balls to say the least.

slept most of the day away. called up Beth at around 7ish, she came to get me at about 8ish. hung out for a bit then went over to Deny's for a party. i was feeling ok by then. a lot better than last night. we had been there a bit when i decided to smoke with a few kids. now for those who know me, you know i hardly ever smoke. i just don't feel the desire and i don't really like it. i'll smoke maybe, maybe, once every other month if that. i took 3 hits and i was d o n e.

then a few kids decided to funnel. i had never funneled before so i decided to give it a try. RJ held the funnel for me and i went at it. i got 2/3 of the way done and the rest was foam. this was my first beer of the night. i finished and stood up. all of a sudden i got majorly dizzy. my vision started to black out and my hearing went. i tried to squat down to regain my balance. the next thing i know i'm sitting on a bench propped up by Pat, looking at a very scared Beth. I was like, "did i just pass out?". yep. apparently i got on my knees then fell face first onto the porch. i busted my nose, it started bleeding, i busted my lip and that started bleeding. somehow when i went down i managed to bend my lip ring in half and have it come out of my lip. blood was everywhere.

i had no idea what had just happened. apparently i was out for like 20 seconds. hahahaha. goddamn. i guess between being horribly dehydrated, smoking, and not breathing enough before funneling, i screwed myself over. RJ, Beth, Pat, Peter, Bloody, Jeremy, Moser, and Matt were all shook up. probably because of the amount of blood. that's the second time i've passed out from pot in my life. i was just pissed that i missed it. i thought it was hilarious. i wish i could have seen myself. i'm a tough fuckin bitch. hahahaha.

after the fiasco, Pat, Moser, Matt, Little Dave, Beth, Bloody, Peter, Jeremy and I left and went to Hooters. we almost got kicked out when Beth kissed me. apparently Hooters isn't very homosexual friendly. jerkoffs. left Hooters, dropped off Matt, went to Rutgers to drop off the other Matt. played beer pong. left there and Pat and i went to the diner. ate some chocolate cake and bacon. got home like a hour ago.

now i'm about to go to bed. i have to see joe today. no matter what. i need to spend tonight with him because i don't know when the next time i can fall asleep in his arms will be. i'm heartbroken. goodnight dears. have lovely dreams.


(5 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

german is funny. no offense chris. [30 Mar 2004|01:57am]
[ mood | tired ]

sorry i haven't updated in forever. so much shit happened this past week. i don't know when the next time i can update will be.

until then.

i love you all.

(5 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

broken eggshell heart [23 Mar 2004|12:27am]
[ mood | crushed ]

i just found out that my friend anthony died on saturday.
heroin overdose.
it scares the hell out of me.
i've seen so many people lose their lives to drugs, and i'm sure i'll see many more.
i'm determined not to be one of those people.
i wish i could change it all.
i just wish it didn't have to be this way, you know?

i need someone to comfort me cause i'm really shook up.


(2 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

i don't want to go to class tomorrow. [21 Mar 2004|11:12pm]
[ mood | blah ]

i'm so fuckin beat. didn't get home from the concert until 4somethingish... The Living End fucking blew me away. amazing. after their set Pat, John, and I got to meet them and talk for a while. really nice guys. they make me want to play upright, one day maybe. Jet was really good as well. they put on a hot show, sounded exactly like the record. although the guitarrist rammed the bassist in the crotch with his guitar neck and he was down on the ground for a while, he still played. we left after that cause the Vines suck nuts. thank you Pat!!!

i don't remember much of spring break, due to the fact that most of it was spent drunk. hung out with beth for most of the week. i love that girl, i love hanging out with her, she's so fucking beautiful. Moday i chilled with beth in the morning then went into the city then came home and slept.
Tuesday, i don't remember what i did.
Wednesday we went to Pat's house and drank wine that Dave stole from his house and cracked open the one gallon bottle of beer. i had a stomach ache so i didn't drink. watched Finding Nemo and loved it, cause i'm awesome.
Thursday Beth had a party (i think it was thursday i'm getting my days all mixed up) and she and i drank massive amounts of beer. we killed a thirty pack. to ourselves. i was wrecked. saw Justin there, most likely made a drunk ass of myself, but who cares. i had so much fun.
Friday i hung out and drank with Beth, Frank, and Dave. there were other people but they went inside wile we drank in the car. amaretto and bud ice do not mix. ugh. laughed a lot, fell down once, laughed some more.
Saturday went to PA for the concert. met a few people. had a fucking blasssst. though i was a little pissed i missed Alison's party cause i didn't get home until late.
Today painted the kitchen.
hah. this entry is pretty long, i'm sure no one's gonna bother to read all the way through it. soooo... fuck you.

11 days baby, 11 days.

<3 mari

(6 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

why am i not drunk? [17 Mar 2004|08:42pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Right about now i should look like this:

hopefully i will be in a few hours.....

(1 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

you grow accustomed to seeing the sun in a different location [16 Mar 2004|06:49pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

about to go out and get my drink on with pat, dave, and john. i say fuck the snow - we have alcohol!

i'm feeling a little better today. hopefully by the end of the night i'll feel lots and lots of better.



(5 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

i hope you choke [16 Mar 2004|12:07am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Why can't everything just leave me the fuck alone already? Please just fucking shoot me and get it over with.


(1 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

i wish it was 7 am. [15 Mar 2004|12:28am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

i feel like shit.

can someone please stop my bones from breaking?

(commit the crime)

The Perils of Believing in Round Squares [01 Mar 2004|03:07am]
reason and logic have been thrown out the window. a jesus fish won't save you (from a car crash). fanatic fits (will only) lead to a mental diaper rash. no matter how you look at it, worm food is worm food. reason and logic have been thrown out the window, the scoundrels just don't know it yet.


through with you present tongue. want to split the cost of bringing this to a head. there is always an open grave for you and your bullshit.

(6 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

I'm feminine damnit. [26 Feb 2004|12:43am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

i love taking showers.
in the dark.
my water bill is ridiculous.

i've been so sad lately. i don't know really why, it's just there. i can't put a reason behind it. i guess i just need to feel it. i know it will pass soon and i'll feel fab once again. physically i've been sick. i can't get rid of this fucking cold. ATTN: GOD - please take my shitty immune system into consideration and fucking fix it.

Dear President Bush,

Next time you decide to choke on a pretzel, I hope it's when your child decides to come out to you, at the same time inviting you to his same-sex "marriage". Only this time, instead of coughing up the pretzel, you die from asphyxiation.



yeah, i'm pissed. gays should have every right to a full legal marriage - just like everyone else.

ok, i'm exhausted and i need to sleep. night assholes. xox

(commit the crime)

Did i mention i'm engaged to ani difranco? [24 Feb 2004|01:45am]
[ mood | lazy ]

"Joyful Girl"

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
and i do it just because i want to
because i want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
and i do it just because i want to
because i want to

(9 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

i have Richard Nixon's phone number [22 Feb 2004|09:58pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

Ug. my stomach hurts so bad.
this weekend was fun.

And now for some pictures of me with long hair! i'm such a nerd.Collapse )

(10 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

cloughy is a boot boy [16 Feb 2004|12:14am]
[ mood | drunk ]

+ the show tonight was awesomef
+ dave you rule
+ iggmasterflex at two tone
+ lots of freree alcohol
+ the devils spades
+ stealingnh cake and ddanishes from A&P

- no joe :(

nisght bastards

(2 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

Mah Bloody Fuckin Valentine [14 Feb 2004|06:44pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I woke up at 6:00pm. way to waste the whole day Mari. i can't help it though, i just have no energy. Midnight Creeps show tomorrow. Yay.

i had the weirdest dream last night. so many people were in it. first i was driving Justin to the hospital because Ashley was having their baby. he had no ride because his car was totaled by that old lady from Mountainside. we actually got along and it was really nice. we laughed a lot. i miss that kid. when i droped him off at the hospital i drove away and next thing i know, i'm in Lousianna on a scavenger hunt with Pat, John, and Kim. one of the items on the list could only be found in Mass., so we drove to Mass. sadly, i don't remember what the item was, but it was something completely random. When we got there i stayed at Mikes house (even though Mike really lives in MD). i forgot how much fun he and i used to have. i need to call his punk ass. Anyway.... my team ended up winning and Karen O came out and gave me a kiss. the end.

valentines day blows when your love is in another state and not next to you. i got a package from my baby yesterday. Souxie and the Banshees shirt, Cave In 45, heart mints, and a letter. Joe, you are the best EVER. i love you so fucking much it hurts. every night i fall asleep wishing that when i wake up, i'll be in your arms.

xox fuckers

(5 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

Disgustipated [09 Feb 2004|10:45pm]
[ mood | listless ]

It was daylight when you woke up in your ditch. You looked up at your sky then. That made blue be your color.

You had your knife there with you too. When you stood up there was goo all over your clothes. Your hands were sticky. You wiped them on your grass, so now your color was green.

Oh Lord, why did everything always have to keep changing like this. You were already getting nervous again. Your head hurt and it rang when you stood up. Your head was almost empty. It always hurt you when you woke up like this. You crawled up out of your ditch onto your gravel road and began to walk, waiting for the rest of your mind to come back to you.

You can see the car parked far down the road and you walked toward it. "If God is our Father," you thought, "then Satan must be our cousin." Why didn't anyone else understand these important things? You got to your car and tried all the doors. They were locked. It was a red car and it was new. There was an expensive leather camera case laying on the seat. Out across your field, you could see two tiny people walking by your woods. You began to walk towards them.

Now red was your color and, of course, those little people out there were yours too.

(12 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

I can't cut the rope. [08 Feb 2004|07:02pm]
[ mood | good ]

Last night was excellent. Pat, John and I went to see The Butterfly Effect. First stopping at the diner, where I ate the HELL out of this amazing funnel cake.

Pat and John are such sweet guys. they open doors for me, treat me to things, let me sit in the front seat. I'm so happy I have them as friends. They're genuinely good people. Not to mention I have so much fun when I'm with them.

We then made our way to the movies. I was expecting it to be horrid, but it was actually quite good. Very disturbing. I loved it. Even though I'm not a big fan of Ashton, I still recommend you see it.

Then it was off to Pat's house to watch another film. My god, his house is fantastic! Its over 100 years old. We went to the basement to get drinks and explored a bit. Now, mind you there's very little light down there. It was so eerie walking through the old maid quarters and bathroom's.

We decided to go upstairs after a bit. To spooky down there. We get to the top of the stairs and the door out is locked. oooooo. Anyway Pat banged it until his mum let us out.

We had stopped at Blockbusters to pick up two more movies.It was between Ichi The Killer (John and I wanted to show it to Pat), or Party Monster. We decided on Party Monster. My god, do Seth Green and McCauley look terrible in drag! Marilyn Manson was hilarious. I was really looking forward to seeing the move, but in the end i was disappointed. It could have been done a lot better.

After that, Pat and I dropped off John (to a screaming father) and drove me home. That was around 4am this morning. What a lovely night.


more pictures of me looking like a moronCollapse )

(14 people at the rape scene | commit the crime)

A Roman Emperor Named Fabolous [07 Feb 2004|02:53am]
[ mood | happy ]

Tonight This whole day was so much fun. i was picked up this morning by Patrick and John. We were going to go to class, but cause the...um...weather was so bad, we decided to skip and go to Guitar Center. first we stopped and had a wonderful artery clogging breakfast at McDonald's - and a bangin' ice cream cone for 80 cents.

We stayed at Guitar Center for a while. i got to play a vintage padula. creamed my pants let me tell you. i'm so happy i'm playing bass again. thank you John. sang Every Rose Has Its Thorn while John flashed his mad 80's metal guitar skill. John ended up buying an acoustic, finally. the boy has 4 guitars lying around his room, who knows how many more, but no acoustic. well, problem has been solved.

After that we came back here for a bit, then Patrick was off to work and John went home. i wrote lists for mom and showered while listening to The Darkness as loud as possible. they fucking own.

Around 7ish we went to Hooters. hahahahah. Hooters. There are actually quite a few pretty ladies working there. it was fun, but after a while the abundance of white homie's saying it was their birthday just to get the waitress to clap and sing got a bit old. i ought to put arsenic in their watered down Hooters beer. death.

Then it was off to play pool, well attempt for me since I'm not all that skilled. which is why John and Patrick gave me lessons and i dominated toward the end. i'm so buff. hah. and by buff i mean i smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, my favorite food is bacon, and i get winded going up the stairs to my room. we laughed a lot. i had a grand time.

Had to make an emergency run to Madison to pick up Pat's friend who was stranded, dropped her off, and decided to see a movie. what we forgot was, at 1am there are no movie theaters open. boo. ended up driving around for a while more, and finally came home. ate a mini-pizza and found this funny picture to show you all:

goodnight fuckers.

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